Sinking With The Sails

My Story.

Everything you need to know. So this is kinda going to be my story. Its on my mind at the moment, and there is so much stuff that people dont know. Im Jennifer June. 15 years old. I’ve never really known true happiness since I was little, everything went down hill when I turned 11 and moved to Christchurch. New house, new city, new school, new people; all of this put so much pressure on me to be who I was, but I didnt know who I was then. At school I did my best to get good grades, but everyone just seemed to think less of me. I dont know why but they always called me a Slut. I hadnt even had a proper boyfriend and I didnt want one. The pressure to grow up was put on me. The other label put on me was emo; how was I emo? The way I dressed was normal, I didnt say my life was shit and I wanted to die. I was just a normal little blonde girl… Till all these labels attacked me and sunk in. Age 11, I cut for the first time. I didnt know what I was doing but since everyone spread around the school I cut myself, I decided to do it so it wasnt a dirty rumour. So I became the emo slut of the school. I got into relationships for the sake of just having a relationship. I had my first kiss in the bag bay. Even though I wasnt doing anything slutty the label still stuck with me.

Year 8, was just as bad. I got bullied cause I wasnt the skinnest girl around but its not like I was overweight. Me being me, I took it to heart and stopped eating and when I did eat I would throw it up. The labels from the other year stuck with me, so my cutting continued but this time I knew what I was doing. Bullying lead me to show what I was feeling on the inside.

 Highschool was going to be my clean start. It was going great, made new friends, grades were amazing. Gotten off my eating disorder and had stopped cutting. All until I met one guy.. I fell for him, He was sweet, kind, loving, amazing, handsome = the whole package. We hanged out most days after school, but it was only ever at his house. We were just a normal couple, acting all cute and stuff. I was 13, He was 16, though age was never a problem for us. Everything was going good, until one day he went through my phone and hit me for texting my best friend who happened to be a guy. From then on I wasnt allowed to talk to any guys. They way I dressed became a problem to, or whatever I ate. I wasnt allowed now to eat anything and he would tell me what to wear. The voilence continued and had gotten worse. I used to wear my jersey all the time at school cause of the bruises on my arms. Grades went down again, but I had to act happy, otherwise it would end up me being thrown against the walls, or stuff thrown at me. One day at his house, He was playing playstation online and got really mad at someone. Instead of just abusing him, he turned around and smacked me across the face leaving my lip bleeding cause on impacted I bit my lip. I got up and ran, but he was alot faster than me, and had locked the doors. I ran to a room and hid in the closet, trying not to let my emotions get to me. He found me, and raped me that day…

 Year 10, wasnt much better, my eating disorder stayed, my now depression grew larger and every night I cut. I only wanted to release what i was feeling inside. Other than all that shit, year 10 was great. I fell inlove with Ashton. Even though it wasnt the best relationship, I loved him. Also the september the 4th earthquake that struck christchurch changed everything. At the end of year 10 a close friend of mine committed suicide. He was one of the happiest people I knew, so it didnt make much sense but now I see that peoples outsides arent always showing what they actually feel. Rest Easy Trent ♥

 Year 11; This year was shit. I was in a relationship with a guy named James, we had been going out since August of 2010. We were doing long distance, and that worked perfectly. When he moved to christchurch everything changed, our relationship became just about sex. Once again I wasnt allowed to talk to any guys. In Feb, the 22nd earthquake happened, it was our 6 month. That was the scariest day of my life. Me, my mum and little brothers ended up living up north for a month. May the 2nd James raped me at the age of 14. I went to the cops about it, they did nothing. He threatened to smash me and shit, and still does now. My depression got worse, and I tried suicide a mutliple times. The last time I tried to commit suicide, it was because I knew I was pregnant.. My (now ex) boyfriend and friends didnt care that i went into hospital and treated me like shit and some of them still do now.

But to me, me being pregnant and keeping it has been the best thing for me, Ive been cut free for nearly 5 months - the longest time ive ever been clean. I’m now eating properly cause I have to but also I want to. The respect for myself has gone up cause I have a life inside of me, and im proud to be a mum to be. People may judge me cause im only 15. But I know I can be the best mum I can be. Im slowly finding true happiness again, all from a high night.

I am Jen, and this is my story.